Shouts & Murmurs
Stations of the Mel
By Christopher Buckley
Mel Is Condemned by the Press. Mel is pulled over by a centurion for driving his chariot at great speed, and accused of having a blood-alcohol level exceeding that mandated by Tiberius. “Arrest me not,” he telleth the centurion, “for I owneth Malibu. And thou lookest a bit Jewish unto me.” Sayeth the centurion, “Tell it to the procurator.”
Mel Is Fingerprinted and Has His Mug Shot Taken. Mel calleth his lawyers, agents, and celebrity crisis managers and sayeth unto them, “I have opened my mouth and stirred up the Jews.” His lawyers, agents, and crisis managers sayeth, “Yet we are Jews.” Mel sayeth, “Thou didst not look Jewish when I was besotted with drink. Even so, gettest me out of this place of desolation.”
Mel Falls the First Time. ABC, one of the sons of Disney, a Jew, cancelleth Mel's documentary on the Holocaust, a fiction wherein the Jews claim to be pestered by Germans. ABC announceth, “Whereupon we hath interest in this project, we thereupon now hath none,” and refereth all calls to its press agent, another Jew, for Hollywood is full of them.
Mel Meets His Mother. His mother sayeth, “What hast thou done, that thy father is proud of thee? He yelpeth for joy.” Mel sayeth, “The Jews have started this war, as they have all the wars.” Mel's mother sayeth, “Verily, thou hast started this war, thou idiot.” Mel sayeth, “Bring ice for my head, for it throbbeth.”
Mel's Agents and Crisis Managers Take Up His Cross. “He repenteth mightily of what he hath said,” they say to the Press, “and hath entered unto the land of Rehab, there to rend his garments and gnash his teeth and donate to B'nai B'rith.”
Mel's Face Is Wiped by Veronica in the Greenroom. Whilst waiting to be interviewed by the Jew Larry King, Mel hath his face smeared by Veronica, a makeup artist. His visage miraculously remaineth on a baby wipe.
Mel Falls the Second Time. Whilst being interviewed by the Jew Larry King, Mel's breath reeketh of alcohol. He sayeth on live television that he doth not like Jews, even those who maketh him rich unto the seventy-seventh generation. Larry breaketh to a commercial, during which Mel's handlers sayeth unto him, “Art thou trying to give us ulcers?” They calleth for duct tape to be applied to Mel's mouth.
Mel Meets the Women of Hollywood. On Rodeo Drive, Mel steppeth out of his Lexus and sayeth unto the women, “Shoppest thou not, nor giveth money unto the Jews, for they owneth enough as it is.” The women commence with a great keening, which is heard even unto the Ivy and Mr. Chow, favored nosheries of the Jews, wherein they drink the blood of Christian babies and eat eggroll.
Mel Falls the Third Time. His public-relations crisis manager telleth him, “We are in the Land of Very Deep Doo-Doo, wherefromunto it ith difficult to extricate.” Mel sayeth, “If another centurion pulleth me over, I shall say unto him, 'Shalom,' and kiss his hiney.”
Mel Is Stripped of His Deals. Disney calleth him and sayeth, “Truly thou art radioactive, though we would distribute thy new movie, 'Apocalypto.' ” Mel replyeth, “I am Apocalypto. ” Mel offereth to change the name of his movie to “Fiddler on the Roof II.”
Mel Is Crucified by the Critics. “Fiddler on the Roof II” receiveth pans from the critics, who take umbrage that ninth-century-A.D. Mayans spouteth dialogue denouncing Adolf Hitler.
Mel Dies on the Cross. “Fiddler II” taketh in fewer shekels than “Judas Libre,” in which Judas Iscariot, a Jew, playeth a kickboxing apostle who developeth a crush upon Mary Magdalene.
Mel Is Dropped by Disney. Disney cryeth out, “Why did we bankroll thou to make a movie about Guatemalans dipped in flour? Who green-lighted this abomination? Let him be brought forth that he may be recircumcised without Novocain.”
Mel Rises from the Grave. Mel emergeth from Rehab and proclaimeth that his best friends are Jews, yet he addeth, “I met none in Rehab, for they hath not time to drink, being busy in the starting of wars.
His spokesperson proclaimeth, “Oy,” and fainteth